pet worms

This is another piece I wrote for class...it is funnier now...

I woke up around midnight with the thought that my bum was itching and I had no earthly idea why such a thing would be happening because I was up until then unacquainted with my bum.

Now how could that be asks the reader, don’t we all go to the bathroom everyday? And isn’t she part of everybody?

And to the reader I say yes to both questions, with the caveat that my bum and I had a don’t ask, don’t bother me relationship which until now had served us well. But unfortunately, my bum had taken this midnight moment to break our truce.

It was not long after noticing my bum that I realized that our relationship had escalated quickly. My bum needed a lot more of my attention at that moment than I really felt ready to give to it. But to anyone who has ever had an itchy mosquito bite much less an itchy bum you will realize the immediacy of my need to scratch vigorously and find some alternative relief.

We moved into the kitchen, where I scooped a very large glob of white yogurt onto a wash cloth, which I then proceeded, post haste, to sit down on. With the yogurt in place, the itching assuaged for the moment I turned to that great equalizer, the internet, for more information about what could be causing this inconvenience at two in the morning. There, I learned with the help of the masses that three possibilities existed: yeast infection, hemorrhoids, or pin worms.

A yeast infection is a rather common occurrence for women and causes itching in the general “privates area.” And while I had experienced my share of these infections, I tried to convince myself that I did indeed have a yeast infection, mainly because the other two options were unthinkable: hemorrhoids was something only people in commercials ever got and worms coming out of my bum was the only thing I could think of that would be worse than actually having an itchy bum.

I proceeded to read more about the potential worms. Pinworms are often traded among small children who go to kindergarten and the worms live out their lives in the darkest and possibly most un-inviting (unless you are into that kind of thing) part of a human body: your anus. At night the worms leave their cozy abode to come out and lay eggs. This is typically when a person begins to notice that the worms have begun to co-habitate with you in your private areas. Typically children scratch themselves because of the itching caused by the worms and thereby the pinworm eggs find their way under the fingernails of these children. Unless the kids are treated, this cycle continues and often adults working with children also get them.

The fact that my 18-year-old roommate worked at a kindergarten came to mind slowly, as I was falling asleep.

The next morning I wasted no time in calling the English-speaking doctor. Her receptionist only spoke German. Below is my side of the conversation I had with her about my little problems:

“Hi, my name is Nicole Harkin. I am experiencing a minor discomfort in my private area and would like to see the doctor as soon as possible.”

“Um no, three weeks from now will not do. I would prefer to see the doctor about my private privates problem today. Would that be possible?”

“Perhaps I can come in and just wait in the waiting room?”

“I would prefer to talk to the doctor about it.”

Upon arriving at the doctors office and waiting the requisite three hours to see the doctor, I informed her that I had pinworms. As any self-respecting German doctor would do, though, she sent me home not with a prescription, but with a roll of scotch tape. To make sure I actually had pinworms, I was to tape this to my private areas to see if I caught any worms that night while attempting to sleep.

I was less than pleased with this outcome, needless to say. Luckily, about an hour later there was a worm sighting. I will not bore you with the details, but suffice to say I called the doctor’s office as soon as possible and picked up the prescription equally quickly.

The rest of the day was spent washing everything I owned in very hot water, as directed by the internet. I scrubbed the kitchen, and cut my fingernails, very short.

Even now, writing this story, I sometimes notice my bum again, and th en start to get worried that I might be having a re-occurrence. The symptoms are rather like psychosomatic pinworm symptoms.

Luckily, with the prescription the pinworms moved out quickly and my only advice to the reader is to remember to wash your hands very thoroughly, especially if you spend anytime near children or near people with children.